#so yeah no i am a little fucking angry.
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where's that post that's like "if you fawn over fictional characters with scars but treat irl people with visible disabilities and/or facial differences like shit or think theyre creepy you suck" because i want to reblog that a MILLION times.
#blaire.txt#hi sorry im angry again but this is fucking important to me#if you think fictional characters with scars are awesome: so do i!! but like#if your support for people who have facial differences ends at fictional lightly scarred characters#and you openly mock visibly disabled people and/or people with facial differences or call them āscary/freaksā#or tag them as ābody horrorā or āgoreā or think disabled people need to trigger warning their Fucking Bodies#sincerely go fuck yourself#< coming from a person who has facial paralysis; people literally treat me like a circus animal and stare at me in public half the time#and like have said and done incredibly demeaning shit to me#so yeah no i am a little fucking angry.#if you treat fictional characters better than you treat disabled people i hope you fucking stop and take into account how -#horrifically ableist and just fucking mean you are lol!#vent#rant#sorry i am not pleased right now#abled people can interact i guess tho this isnt really a post for attention but if you act like a clown (derogatory) i'll block you
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I am unreasonably upset about the fact that I've been forced to accept that Gabriel was a Gerald.
For context, in An Inspector Calls, Gerald Croft is engaged to Sheila Birling when he meets a homeless, struggling Eva Smith in a bar, and essentially in return for a home and money he shows her affection (ahem), then gets rid of her once he no longer has a use for her. Now, obviously this isn't a direct translation, but the essentials are - a Gerald is a character who uses another character, in return for something they need, usually masking the fact that they're using them with affection and love.
And against my will I've had to accept that this is exactly what Gabriel does to Nathalie.
Did I want to think he had potential to be better? Did I think he genuinely cared for Nathalie?? Hell, did I just really really want somebody to care about Nathalie???
Probably all of the above but the point is: he's Gerald. And I cannot - I literally can't unsee it now. Their whole dynamic in S3 is like āoh boohoo I'm sorry I wish you didn't have to use the peacock Miraculous and kill yourself over it but uh I need to use your powersā āyeah no that's fine I'm all goodā. Which, given the "Gerald" theorem, I'm assuming leads to the fact that what Nathalie needed, above all, was someone to care about her - and Gabriel came along, as Sheila Birling puts it, "like a fairytale prince", and was so caring and gentle and... Yeah. She fell for him. And. Yeah he genuinely did seem to care like twice. But so did Gerald. Gerald actually admits that he did care for Eva, just not the way that she cared for him, and, uh, not enough to not just dispose of her. So he discards her anyway when she stops being useful.
Leading me neatly to my point.
He starts using the peacock Miraculous the second it's fixed, the slimy bastard, HOWEVER. It runs way deeper than that. Assuming I'm right (which I almost DEFINITELY am), then Gabriel only needed Nathalie while she was useful. She didn't stop being useful in season three - she's still scheming for him, helping him with plan after plan. It's only partway through season 5 that she officially servers ties with him, and starts to actively hinder him.
Nathalie stops being useful when she fails as Safari. And I reckon that's when Gabriel and Tomoe decided she had to go.
(It's painfully, I-was-ugly-crying-over-it obvious in Conformation that Gabriel is fully prepared to let Nathalie die - in the original storyboard, her alliance was encouraging her to sleep, and he's very obviously prepared for this moment - I've made a separate post about it that I'll link if I can find it. However, onto the next bit)
With all of this, there's one thing that sticks out to me - Nathalie didn't see any of it until it was already too late. There could be many reasons for this. But you know who would have seen through it? Whose parents were all loving and perfect until she married the wrong man? Emilie. Emilie, who left behind those videos, which on the surface look innocent, but when you look deeper look like a (love confession???????) AHEM a warning. I reckon Emilie noticed what was going on and realised that Nathalie wouldn't see through Gabriel, so she left those videos addressed to Nathalie (not Gabriel, which surely they should have been - they were about him, after all - unless they were there...) as a warning. I don't think the videos were supposed to be about helping Gabriel, I think Emilie was warning Nathalie to get the fuck out of that house, and to take Adrien with her. Because Emilie knew it'd end like this.
Yes I'm still mad ok give me a break.
#Not a direct translation obviously#(although I hate the fact that my brain has AUTOMATICALLY made the links between the peacock Miraculous and Emilie and... yeah#as in#it fits better than it should as an allegory)#Anyway yeah my mad evening ramblingsā¢#This began as an angry rant and became a theory#But yeah it's so so obvious I've said it before but it's SO glaringly obvious that Nathalie is desperate for any kind of affection#āgirl what were YOU doing at the devil's sacrement -ā I am also desperate for affection!!!! Shut up I'm talking!!!!!#It's really really obvious like I'd guess#(given that she seems to live with the Agrestes and has a... past certainly)#there's no family in the picture#And yeah so I'm tired now if you have questions ask them I'll elaborate#Just remember that I'm so fucking obsessed with An Inspector Calls that it's genuinely a plot point in one of my books#So the comparison makes sense ok???? Let me go to bed#(read found-family fanfic and cry)#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#nathalie sancoeur#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste#adrien agreste#miraculous#an inspector calls#gerald croft#Yes I'm tagging this with AIC and Gerald ok I want a bunch of GCSE students to look up the tag and be confused out of their fucking minds#VoilĆ i guess#Oh yeah there's problems with this bc Emilie tells Nathalie to stop Gabe#but there's nothing saying she didn't then add āoh and if you can't then get the hell outta there babesā#āwith OUR little princeā (????? That line is still so confusing what does it MEAN)#Oh ig I should tag this with eminath bc of the last bit
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and itās all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if iāll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc iād done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#itād be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but iād processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#itās so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i wouldāve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and iād go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#itās so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#itās all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasnāt catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasnāt#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didnāt give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think iām pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that thatās all bullshit.#that iām actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like thatās why i genuinely donāt have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely iām just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told āa persons true colours show after a few weeksā#so thatās MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my bossās hiring process and how sheās āonly been fooled twiceā#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if youāre still here iām sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Donāt Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean Iām good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like āyeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.ā#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and donāt try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and Iāve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I canāt even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I donāt think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like Iām lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and Iām In The Vicinity. even when theyāre clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I donāt cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything theyāre upset with me for. which isnāt fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I canāt even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. Iām actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and itās not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. Iāve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like āwell. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you wereā.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesnāt make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. Iām not. Iām weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that theyāre generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that theyāre probably right#which is why Iām not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now Iām just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know itās draining to talk to someone who doesnāt accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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having funnn im having fun
#yaz starting this breakdown by going 'and i think im angry'#actualy i mightve edited that out i think she just says 'i hate him sometimes' now ghjfkghjg#cant have your characters say what they meannnnnnn#this is already very direct#but you gotta let them yell sometimes#especially yaz#the doctor opening this scene calling her co-pilot and telling her not to jump out of the tardis#yaz ending this scene by telling her to jump out of the tardis gfhjkghgj#'i love you dont kill yourself' -> 'i dont believe you and actually you know what. do kill yourself'#dhfkjhfgjh <3 girlies#15 in the background like fUCK#hey wait im having a language realisation here#You Who Calls The Shots. the verb agrees with........'it'. right? yeah. you is the.......i have no idea. but not the subject#fun bc i dont even notice these things..............anymore#but in french it's like 'c'est moi qui ai' and im like heyo wtf are you doing 'ai'?? fghkghj#anyway 'if im not who i thought i was'#i dont think yaz ever really bought into........like the flat team structure. bc i think she always felt that her position wasnt equal#or she wouldnt have been so angry abt it in halloween#so i dont think thats a crisis necessarily in terms of identity or position#but i do lately have her ask 'what am i' a lot to the doctor in different words#not from a place of 'i thought i was your equal and now i realise im not'#but more 'i knew i wasnt your equal but jesus am i even WORTH anything to you?'#she knew she was human vs the doctor's superhuman or supernatural a little#but now it feels like. or she feels like. maybe theres a relegation from person to.........toy :/#she knew she wasnt equal but she didnt feel replaceable necessarily#i think now she feels replaceable#not just not a friend in the doctor's eyes. but not a person in the doctor's eyes#and idk maybe thats true#idk how the doctor really thinks abt humans. i think it'd be hard for me to keep thinking of people as people when...youve known so many#maybe they become Friends instead of people
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three months until i get to go back to school. i can deal with three months.
#boink#it's been two weeks and it's already just so taxing#like school is stressful too but at least it's sort of self contained#at least i'm somewhat in control of things#i know i'm not really an adult yet#but the last two semesters of relative independence#well i appreciated being able to just do things#like being able to decide when to eat#going places without having to wait to get approval first#like obviously i had a rough school year#but at least the consequences and events were organic#like i could fuck up my classes without having to come home to people getting mad at me for arbitrary things#like my mom just got mad at me bc i knocked on the bathroom door to loud#i'm anxious atm bc the house fan is on and the noise stresses me out so maybe i did knock too loud idk#but anyway she comes into my room and starts freaking out about anger management issues#which yeah honestly true enough#but like. not about this?#i am just overstimulated fam#i wasn't angry and i didn't even interact with anyone before i got shit for wanting to close my door and calm down a little#so anyway#stuff like that#little decisions and motions and things#i just prefer being on my own ig
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Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,
I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.
#speculation nation#this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off.#to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one#but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time.#my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here.#the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years#my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most.#im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession.#it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous.#but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole.#maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth.#that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing.#idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death#to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole?#i dont fucking think so!#yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight#even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death#whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life.#it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!!#and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this#bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about.#but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger...#and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol#anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes.#but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen...#negative/#i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.
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#like Iām sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and sheās perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it sheās an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and thatās hard#and Iām not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isnāt perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why Iām the way I am#and Iāve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#Iāve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends āyour right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through thisā ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I donāt want to hear that itās normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and Iām so stressed and Iām so sick and I canāt cope with this and none of the therapists Iāve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#Iām angry and Iāve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldnāt stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didnāt want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and Iām asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you donāt even feel a little bad about it??#Iām just upset and scared and Iāve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and Iām not in reality right now and thatās scary
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something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
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Incredibly tempted to write an analysis of each member of the Garuru Platoon both individually, in relation to each other, and in relation to their "counterpart" in the Keroro Platoon
#sgt frog#keroro gunso#over the years those guys have been the only ones which I have always loved consistently. it has been 10 literal years since I found out -#about their existance and I have loved them unconditionally ever since#as i got older my appreciation for them grew expontentially because I developed the ability to appreciate the fact that they are -#surprisingly complex characters in spite of their appearences on the show being so limited#even characters like say... tororo and taruru. which are the members of the platoon who are least used#and its a shame because they both are a delight#especially tororo. i am so angry that tororo never got his own episode... or an episode where he got to act solo#taruru had his little arc of going on earth by himself on a few occasions - zoruru has his whole thing with dororo ( don't get me wrong I -#still think he should have gotten more but considering his character arc it makes sense) - pururu had a whole huge arc on earth -#garuru had his random moments of dropping by casually/we have giroro to tell us about him every once in a while#all of them have these little moments. all except tororo. it makes me mad because tororo is the perfect example of how children on keron -#are exploited by the military at incredibly young ages and its very clear that this fucks them up in the long run. we have adult examples#like dororo. keroro. giroro. zoruru. list goes on. but tororo could have been a look into how a child (even one as smart as him) is -#affected by the whole thing#bc don't get me wrong tororo is a CHILD. he's not a tadpole in a tamama way where he's youthful in appearence but still implied to be a -#young adult. tororo is a straight up child. he can't be older than whatever the equivalent of fourteen is in keron years.#<- i have a reason behind why i say this but im tired rn LMAO#anyway yeah. live laugh love garuru platoon
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don't worry guys if you're ever in a bad place emotionally and seeking guidance some woman with an entirely different outlook on life than you will thrust shitty advice upon you whether you like it or not and then make you feel completely fucking awful about her wealth of wisdom that she is so genuinely convinced she has despite not having any idea . this will make the bad place so much more bad also
#this is the last thing i am posting related to the events of my day i dont think i will ever get over just how insane it was but i hope#things will improve bc the lady is someone who i am very close with#i just always sorta balanced her out with my mother and that is not currently possible#i dont want to be angry at her anymore but it was so genuinely bad. like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck#yknow a lot of bad things have happened where im able to put myself in the other persons shoes and go ''yeah sure'' like#theres a reason i forgave most the ppl who made my life hell ages 6-14#but this was so unreasonable. i literally cannot even fathom why she would do that outside of ''she wasnt thinking she was just doing''#because people arent reasonable and thats usually the explanation why stuff happens that you can't understand#i would not let anyone else speak to me like that and i honestly should not have let her speak to me like that but we live on#its not the healthy or godly thing to keep this on my chest nor put it out for others to see but it literally shook me so bad#on the bright side#usually i shake when im angry like literally physically shake#and i didnt this time! cried though! not when she was in the room idk what my body was doing#i like definitely was not the guy in control of my body for a while there#i still dont think i am i keep doing little things and going hmmm i dont think im florence rn#but it was . something.
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teehee <- just made a petty comment on a discussion post about how this college forces you to use your legal name with no way to change your display name
#šŖ.text#yes i'm still angry about this#i hope this instructor is ready for me to be passive aggressive throughout this entire course because i hate it here <3#and i WILL sprinkle in little hints towards that whenever i can#''this course is to teach you the basics of college and how to manage college life''#of course of course. (quietly pushes in the fact that this system sucks at any chance i get)#i WILL be an insufferable little bitch here#i'm gonna do the assignments but motherfucker i am going to answer them truthfully#you forced me to take this class! that's on you!#now you have to deal with me!#you forced me to go by my legal name! i am going to be a bitch about that!#especially since the last college i was with allowed me to use cass#this one however went ''um yeah we're like. so not discriminatory against trans people but.... you like. have to use your legal name :)''#fuck youuuuu
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Oh I meant the ones in your discomforts!!! Sorry I shouldāve specified. I just thought it may come off as intrusive / rude, Iām glad it didnāt bc it wasnāt supposed to
Thank you for specifying!! <3 I can answer, but with some I may not be able to fully go into detail for personal reasons. Since you in your first ask you specified fandoms, thats all I'll be covering!
Without getting into the details, ow*ri no ser*ph and m*stic m*ssanger (censoring not bc the name itself is a trigger but bc I don't want my blog showing up under ANY searches with this) are things my abuser really loved so I can't really bear the thought of them or see pictures from them :^/ not that there's anything wrong with either series (I don't... think? I was never too interested in finding out ANYTHING about them really) but I prefer people to not interact who enjoy them for that reason. Just. For distance's sake (distance between me and the source material that is)
Alien 9 emulators is a different story though! As you may know, I'm a HUGE fan of alien 9???? Like?? Duh??? I feel like it's all I use tumblr for sometimes, just for alien 9 content. That being said alien 9 emulators Fucking Sucks. Basically any alien 9 content that isnt the original 3 volumes/the anime sucks (like alien 9 next, etc). I wrote nearly a whole essay about it one time trying to explain my viewpoints on it so it's hard to simplify my reasons but I'll try (tw csa but I'll do my best to skim over it). Basically: I feel like it's undeniable that a large part of alien 9's story is about children becoming victims of whatever kind of abuse the adults in the series perpetuate. This *includes* csa. That is an INCREDIBLY prominent aspect in the story, and while it is most obvious in kasumi's arcs, it's present in every arc, every character. Granted, it is ALWAYS through metaphor. Leaving you to put the pieces together, as most of the series does even with other topics. So, to quote my essay: "Emulators takes all of those intricately and gently crafted metaphorical plot points and turns them on their heads." The victims break from the healing they were doing, continue the cycle to become abusers themselves, and (though a petty gripe compared to the rest) it retcons SO many things to make way for these twisted fucking metaphors and careless storytelling??? It doesn't even fucking BOTHER to provide some sorry excuse as to WHY it is doing this. THAT is why it's on that list in my carrd
Tldr: alien 9 emulators is horribly disrespectful (and arguably actively harmful) to the very people it originally wished to uplift
#long post#medium long but still#i have so fucking much i could say about emulators it makes me so angry you have no idea#genuinely furious#granted emulators does tell some stories that are important#but they are told in a disgustingly wrong context#with the things i know about the author now though..... it makes a little more sense why the storys course changed so swiftly /neg#lmk if this answered your question though anon!! i hope it helped#tw csa mention#should also specify that yeah. i know people interpret alien 9s story to mean something TOTALLY different than what i do#that comes with the territory (horribly confusing metaphors and symbolism in an already alien world)#but i am NOT willing to budge on my interpretation at fucking all sorry#laika answers
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A hair dresser really fucked up my shit today and Iām honestly just,, awed by it?
My bangs were longer than this when I had a traditional menās cut. I have shoulder length hair
Worstie I asked for long bangs, howād I end up with micro bangs
#I have to make jokes or else Iāll keep crying about this#I mean I will keep crying about this for next couple of months#but maybe itāll look less pathetic if I make jokes about it#yeah itās just hair but fuck#Iām too traumatized for this shit#I mean#crying about it instead of genuine reactivity is a positive sign!#i still feel like absolute shit#thereās so many fucking things that upset me here#ignoring just the part where I have to avoid mirrors for three months#I canāt fucking dye my hair any more#Iām not spending that much fucking money on something Iām going to hate in a month bc my bangs are going to look like shit#which is fucking dysmorphia inducing by itself!#I kind of fucking hate my hair color rn#I was going to dye it within the month#so now I have to buy / style / and fucking deal with a wig for Halloween#(yes have to. I can only take so many blows to my ego)#I. fuck.#there were more coherent points in here but I just#I have so little but ego#Iām a wounded bleeding creature and the shitty fucking bandage that is my ego is the only fucking thing keeping me stable#and as off late Iāve been bleeding through that bandage. this. this is only making it fucking worse#Iām not going to kill myself.#at the end of the day I am a spitful and angry creature. wrath will keep me going when nothing else will#but Iām so thin#and thereās so little of me to loose to that wrath#I#fuck#gods what is it like to be normal#to not have a fucking bad haircut bring you to your fucking knees
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thinking about the time I was 5 and a teacher explained what Heaven was to me for the first time (all the best people are there, recess is forever, and I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted) and I'm like ma'am sign me the FUCK up (roughly speaking) and then she had me pray to Jesus to ask to become Xtian
And I was SO absolutely excited, because I thought I'd get immediately beamed up into Heaven, Star Trek style. Everyone else in my class may have been excited about recess coming up, but they were SUCKERS because I was about to get FOREVER recess, and INFINITE chocolate
And I'm like man what's wrong with people that everyone doesn't do this. And my teacher was like you are so smart and that's so true and I'm like yeah I AM so smart and that IS so true
cut to around an hour later, and I'm now angry, confused, and hurt, that Jesus was taking so long to beam me up to Heaven and I was expected to go to REGULAR, FINITE, TEMPORARY recess. A little delay, I could understand. The man was probably very busy. But once it got to a whole hour, that was just unreasonable.
So I go and ask the teacher what went wrong, and why Jesus was dragging his feet on this whole taking me to Heaven thing, and she was like oh. I'm sorry. You only go to Heaven when you're dead.
And I asked her something along the lines of, so the only people who know about Heaven are dead people. and we can't talk to dead people
And she uncomfortably said, Yes.
And I just scowled at her and walked away.
She never tried to talk to me about Jesus or Heaven ever again, but I hope the next time she wanted to convert a five year old, she thought about me scowling up at her in my thick rimmed glasses asking what exactly the holdup was for the Good Lord to just fucking kill me already lmao
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